No way back
by IWroteWhat
Summary: She'd avoided that couch for weeks after he left. It was what had brought them back together. The thought of that just hurt too much to bear so she stayed long enough at work or at Molly's to get tired and go to bed as soon as she got home. Well, she wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. ON HIATUS!
1. Chance

**Her**

She'd starred at the door in front of her for god knows how long, but couldn't bring herself to open it. She knew it would be the last time she'd step over that threshold into her beloved bar.

She hated it. That feeling of guilt. She shouldn't have done what she had. She shouldn't have taken that damn job to get Bunny out of trouble. Her mother, that really didn't deserve her help.

Hank had wanted to give her an out. She knew that. And she knew that she probably needed it. That didn't mean she wanted it. Intelligence was her family.

She'd understood why Antonio left. It was the same reason she left for that Taskforce almost two years ago. It was an amazing opportunity. And this new job was too. Only difference this time: she didn't really want it.

She was startled by the sound of footsteps behind her. "Aren't you going to go inside? There's not much to drink out here!" She couldn't help but smile and turned around to look at the man. "Hey, Will. I, uh, I was kinda lost in thoughts. Sorry" She smiled again, but this time it wasn't as genuine. This time it didn't reach her eyes.

"You okay, Erin?" He was frowning and there was concern in his voice but she just nodded and reached into the pocket of her jacket. "Would you do me a favour? Can you give this to Jay, please?" She handed him an envelope and he had a feeling that it didn't mean any good.

"Sure. But why don't you give it to him yourself?" he asked. She looked at him and he couldn't quite read what it was that had her eyes glace over. "Because he'll hate me. And I can't see that look in his eyes" her voice was quivering with emotion. "Tell him I'm sorry" She whispered. And then she was gone.

\--

Half an hour later she was back at her apartment. It's been a few months since he left and she still wasn't used to calling it hers again. She'd loved having him there. Waking up beside him each and every morning. Him being the first and the last thing she saw every day. And now she wouldn't have it ever again.

She felt the tears creep their way to her eyes, but didn't allow herself to let them fall. She knew if she started crying right now she wouldn't be able to stop. So she took a deep, unsteady breath and pulled her suitcase from under the bed.

She opened the closet, ignoring that half of his clothes were still in there, promising her that he wasn't gone for good and took a pile of t-shirts, blouses, jeans and underwear to stow it tidily in the suitcase.

She was just about to close the doors when her eyes caught something that made her breath catch in her throat.

It was a sweatshirt. One, that had been more hers than his since he'd moved in with her. One, that reminded her of better days. Of long nights on the couch with Chinese takeout and some crappy movie that didn't make sense at all but they didn't care because they were together and that was all that mattered.

She grabbed it. Holding it close to her face, letting his scent fill her nostrils. She closed her eyes. Until back then, she didn't know that a sweatshirt could make her feel so safe.

She looked at it, then pulled out one of his t-shirts before piling both pieces of clothing on top of her clothes and closing the suitcase.

She took shower. Willing the warmth of the water to erase the bad memories of the day. She just wanted to forget everything and go back to that time three months ago where there was no Abby and no marriage and no Bunny and no problems with her job. To that time where she was perfectly happy with everything for the first time for god knows how long.

Under the steam she finally let the tears fall. Sliding down the cold tiles of the shower wall to curl into a ball on the floor. Heart wrenching sobs shaking her small form. At this moment she wanted nothing else than for him to be there.

\--

The next morning she was woken by a very persistent knock on the door. She thought about ignoring it and just staying where she was, hoping that whoever it was would give up some time. But they didn't.

So she groaned in dislike and stood up. Her hair was probably a mess and she was wearing nothing more than one of Jay's t-shirts and a pair of panties but she couldn't care less.

Opening the door she was more than surprised to see Hank standing in front of her. She sighed at the sight of him and turned around, letting him decide if he wanted to come in or not.

She went back to the bedroom, putting on a pair of sweatpants before moving back to the living room and sitting down on the couch, motioning the man standing next to the item to do the same.

She'd avoided that couch for weeks after he left. It was what had brought them back together. The thought of that just hurt too much to bear so she stayed long enough at work or at Molly's to get tired and go to bed as soon as she got home. Well, she wouldn't have to worry about that anymore.

"Why did I let her blackmail me to take a job I don't want?" she asked. He pulled her into his side and felt her hide her head in his leather jacket. She closed her eyes. Hank Voight had been her safe harbor since she was 15 and right now was one of the many times she didn't know what she would do without him.

"If there had been another option you know I woudn't've talked to Spencer. You needed an out and they wanted you!" his rough voice was thick with emotion. Hank wasn't one to express his feelings but he'd always been open to her. "I don't know if I can do it" she murmured, her body trembling.

He pulled her even closer. She pressed her face against his shoulder, letting him protect her just once more and released a shuddery breath. "You can do everything, Erin. You've reached so much. I couldn't be more proud of you. Maybe it's not gonna be easy and you'll have to work hard, but you can make it work kid."

She let go of him and reached for the dog-tag with his fingerprint lying on the coffee table. She closed her fingers firmly around it. It was probably the most meaningful gift he'd ever given to her, aside from giving her a place to stay when she needed it most.

He grabbed something from next to him and handed her a paper bag. She couldn't help the smile that crept its way on her face. She opened the bag and took out one of the croissants before handing it back to him and taking a bite. He'd known she'd need something for breakfast.

They ate in comfortable silence, but he kept eyeing her cautiously. "Okay what's going on, Hank? You keep looking at me like I'm going to break any second" she snapped at him.

"You talk to Halstead yet?" He suddenly asked and it caught her completely off guard. She wouldn't have expected that question coming from him. But than again, she probably should have.

Hank knew of nothing more than him moving out, but he'd seen them at work. It was so obvious that something was off. "No I haven't. I, uh-" she paused for a second. Gathering her thoughts. "I gave Will a letter for him. I couldn't... I couldn't have looked into his eyes to tell him I'd be gone in like two or three days. He'll hate me"

Hank had once said that she'd left behind many broken hearts. This time, it was her own that was broken.

"He's married" she confessed and it was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "to some girl he knows from his time in the Army. He said it was a 24 hours Vegas thing and that he'd signed the divorce papers as soon as he'd gotten home. Seems like she never did. He only told me after I asked him who that girl was that kept calling him. I thought he'd tell me some time, but he didn't. He would've never told me, Hank. And then that night I'm coming home and his keys are there and I walk into the bedroom and there he is. Packing his duffle bag, telling me he's going to Will's for a "little while" 'cause he's gotta sort some things out. I told him to stay but he left and the only thing he'd said was "I'm sorry""

She was a sobbing mess, like she had been that night. Hank pulled her back into his arms and for the first time in her life, she wanted those arms to be someone else's.

 ** _A/N: Okay, hi guys. This is my take on what happens after that frustrating season finale. If you want this to make sense you gotta forget that last scene at Molly's. It never happened in this story. Jay never called Erin. Alright? Perfect. So, this story was kinda easy for me to write and I am so happy about that 'cause I finally wanted to write again._**

 ** _Please leave a comment and tell me what you think._**

 ** _As always: each and every mistake is mine but tell me if you find any nonetheless._**

 ** _luv u_**


	2. Letter

**Him**

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting at Molly's, a beer in front of him but not drinking it. Gabby kept sending him concerned glances.

Seeing him like this was probably a picture of pure sadness. He hadn't been happy since he left. Although he did it because she just didn't deserve to have to deal with his problems. Looking back it probably wad the dumbest decision he has ever made.

He knew she' needed him in more than one occasion and the feeling was mutual. He'd thought about just going back and pulling her into his arms and forget all that ever happened.

But she'd been so cold at work and he really couldn't blame her. He would have reacted the same way. Hell, he _had_ reacted the same way. Thinking back to the time shortly after they had broken up the first time. The first two or three weeks had been so tense between them.

Right now though, he finally wanted to do the right thing. His mom's ring was burning a hole into the pocket of his jeans. He was finally divorced and damn it, 'cause he wanted nothing more than the fairytale and happily ever after with the woman he loved.

He knew she deserved so much than him. And he certainly didn't deserve her. She was so great despite of all the shit she's been through. But then again probably not despite but because of. She knew what it wad like on the bottom and didn't want to reach that point again. They've both been there for different reasons.

Now he was sitting here, waiting, praying for her to show up. He would look up every time the door opened until he saw the familiar face of his brother, a concerned frown on the redheads forehead and an envelope in his hand.

Jay sat up a little straighter in his chair, knowing that the look on his brothers face meant no good. "What's going on?" he asked, not bothering to greet the older Halstead.

"Do you know what's going on with Erin? I mean other than what you've told me?" The younger man's brows shot up in confusion. "Uh ... last I heard from her, her mom was in FBI custody. She looked tired. Why? What happened?"

Will rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. He hated to do this. "I just saw her outside. She was standing in front of the door like a statue. She asked me to give you this" he handed the envelope to boys brother "and ... and she told me to tell you that she's sorry."

Jay starred at the piece of paper in his hands his name was written in it. The handwriting all too familiar.

"I uh" he looked up, his eyes finding the ones of his brother. "I need..." "Go home. I'll see you there" Will interrupted and earned a thankful smile and a clap on the shoulder. Only seconds later, Jay was out the door.

\--

The drive to Will's had never seemed so long, even though he felt like he broke every traffic law that existed.

His hands were shaking as he tried to open the front door. After finally succeeding he took of his shoes and propped down on the couch. He was nervous as he opened the envelope, not knowing what you expect, although he had the feeling it was nothing good.

 _Dear Jay,_

 _You have no idea how wrong it feels to write this letter and I kind of don't know how to put everything that happened into words._

 _You will probably be mad at me or even hate me after this. I know I should be telling you this in person but I can't. Just promise me one thing, will you? Don't be mad at Voight. We both know you would be fighting a losing battle._

He couldn't suppress but chuckle at that.

 _I told you about Bunny being in FBI custody. Well, that was only half of the story. I had a visitor last night. FBI Agent_ _Jennifer Spencer. She was the one arresting my mom. And then she made me an offer. Well, it wasn't exactly an offer. She said I've been on their radar for a while now and that Hank had shut them down every time they tried to get me. (You have to believe me when I tell you I didn't know about any of this.) But this time Hank told them that "my situation had changed". He wanted me to have an out. Agent Spencer said Bunny would be free of all charges if I came to work with them. You know me , Jay. You know I hate her for everything she's done to mess up my life but she's still my mother. And even though I don't want it to be, this job is still an amazing opportunity. They want me for undercover work and damn it but I'm good at that._

 _End of the story is I'm moving to New York in a couple of days._

 _I love you, Jay. You know I do. And I know you love me too. And trust me when I say I would go back to a time where there was an 'us'._

 _I hope that some day you can forgive me and maybe we'll have another chance. Just promise to take care of yourself._

 _I love you,_

 _Erin_

He didn't know how many times he had read that letter. Trying to understand everything she wrote.

He found that he didn't know how to feel about everything. He wasn't mad or angry. He wasn't even sure he felt anything that particular moment.

He waa confused. On the other side did he understand why she'd written a letter instead of talking to him personally. She didn't know what they were and neither did he.

He'd told Will that they weren't together. And he didn't lie. They really weren't. Not exactly. Not since he left her to deal with his shit alone instead of letting her in.

He regretted his decision to do so. They wouldn't be at this point where she'd write a letter, telling him she would be going to live in New York. They would probably still be together and hell, maybe he would already have proposed by now.

He didn't know. And he had the bad feeling that he'd never find out.

 ** _A/N: I know it's like really short but I didn't know what to write anymore. I'm not exactly happy with the letter I threw together and I want you guys to tell me what to think about it._**

 ** _As always, if there are any mistakes, tell me and leave me your love in comments._**

 ** _Luv u_**


	3. Meeting

No way back – Ch3

 **Her**

 _1 month, 2 weeks, 4 days_

That's how long she has been in New York and things were good. She still wasn't used to calling herself an agent but it was a good job, better than what she had expected.

In the month she's been there she's already had one undercover stint. It had been easy. "Get the suspect to trust you and book him in" was what Agent Spencer had told her to do. It was only three weeks later that she had done exactly that. She had booked Michael Clareton in.

He was a naïve guy, despite being one of the leading drug dealers in the city and he had trusted her almost the very first second he'd laid eyes on her.

* * *

Now, another two and a half weeks later she was sitting in a bar where she didn't feel nearly as at home as she did at Molly's.

God, she missed Chicago. She missed her unit and colleagues and friends. She missed Hank. But overall she missed Jay.

New York wasn't home. It wasn't where her family was, where she grew up but it was what she had chosen to save Bunny and damn it if she didn't regret her decision.

She took a sip from the glass sitting in front of her on the counter, not remembering what it contained. Not that it mattered as long as it was some kind of alcohol.

Her cell buzzed in the pocket of her jeans. She knew who it was that was calling without looking at it. They had spoken almost every night she hadn't been undercover after all.

"Hank" she smiled, answering the call. "Hey, kid" he greeted back and she could hear him smiling too. "So, what's new?" he asked with the tiniest bit of curiosity.

"Well" she started. "nothing much. Looks like I'm going undercover again in a couple days" and before he could try to ask she added "I don't have any details. And you know I couldn't tell you. Even if I did."

She heard him sigh and pictured him sitting on his couch in the dark, a beer in his hand like he had so many times. "I know" he stated. "Doesn't mean I have to like it."

They sat in silence for a while. Neither of them knowing what to say.

"Please tell me he's okay" she finally sobbed, choking on the words while finding a way outside and sitting down on a bench near the entrance. She didn't dare to speak his name. She didn't need to.

"He's" Hank paused, searching for the right words. "He's getting there, I guess. But I still you should finally talk to him. Maybe it would help."

It was her turn to sigh. It wasn't the first time he had told her to finally call Jay. She knew she should since she hadn't talked to him for almost two months but she just couldn't bring herself to dial his number.

"You know I can't" she whispered, her voice rough with unshed tears. "Listen, kid, you know I've never really approved of your relationship but I like Halstead. You were happy with him and I don't know what happened, but suddenly you weren't. I have a feeling you never really worked out what happened all those months back but you definitely should. I know you, Erin. You're going to suck everything up until you break and no one can help you when that happens. I've seen it often enough to know that."

She took a shuddery breath and closed her eyes why she felt a tear creeping its way down her cheeks, followed by much more. "Hank, I –" she began but was interrupted. "I know. I'll talk to you tomorrow." She was only able to whisper a broken "Thank you" before the call was disconnected.

She didn't know how she got into the car and back to her apartment but an hour later she was laying in bed. Freshly showered and with a tear-stained face. She buried her face in the pillows, desperately wishing they would smell like him so she could fall asleep and feel that familiar safeness. She sobbed again, her whole body shaking and she wanted nothing more than to be in his arms even though she knew she probably wouldn't be there ever again.

* * *

The next morning came way too soon and she groaned loudly, feeling the pounding headache. It wasn't a hangover. She knew because she hadn't drunk that much the night before since she could still remember everything that had happened. Her talk with Voight, crying herself to sleep.

 _It must be the crying,_ she thought and got up to make coffee. Turns out it was one of those days where everything goes wrong because her coffee machine wasn't working and she would have to get a cup on her way to work.

Another thing she had found out very quickly was that traffic was a bitch. Especially if you had to get somewhere really fast. It wasn't that there was no traffic jam in Chicago but it wasn't nearly as bad as in New York.

She cursed while trying to call Agent Spencer and tell her that she would presumably be late. When she couldn't reach her she left a voicemail instead.

The coffee shop nearest to her apartment was buzzing with energy and very busy. But she didn't care as long as there would be a cup of the hot, delicious liquid in her hands.

She had just ordered her usual when she heard someone mutter her name. She knew that voice but it wasn't until she had received her coffee and turned around to look for whoever it was that she recognized it.

She spotted a familiar shock of red hair and her breath caught in her throat. _Will_.

He was moving towards her and for a second she thought about running. She hadn't seen him since that night she gave him the letter and she had no idea how to react around him, knowing that his brother had probably told him everything.

He pulled her into a hug and the motion surprised her. She thought he would be mad at her. Not that she could blame him. But then again, she wasn't sure Will Halstead was able to be mad at anyone.

"It's good to see you, Erin" he smiled at her as he pulled back. She smiled too, even though a little hesitantly. "How've you been?" he asked and they chattered for a while, avoiding the topic of one certain person.

And then she caught a glimpse of the time and cursed for the second time that day. "I've got to go, Will. I'm sorry" she thought about it for a second before asking. "Are you free tonight? Maybe we can, I don't know, meet somewhere for a drink?"

He nodded and gave her another smile. "I'll text you," he said and then, finally, she got into her car and drove to work.

 _ **A/N: Hi guys, I've got the new chapter for you and I gotta say I'm not exactly happy with it. I have a feeling that something's missing.**_

 _ **Please tell me what you think about this and, as always, tell me if you spot any mistakes.**_

 _ **Luv u**_


	4. Conversation

**_I wanted this chapter to be about Jay again to stay with the pattern I kinda created here but that plan went out the window. Please don't be mad at me._**

 **Her**

She had texted Will while preparing information for her upcoming undercover case and was now on her way to the bar they wanted to meet at.

To say she was nervous would have been the understatement of the year. Her hands were shaking when she pushed open the door, seeing him sitting at a table already.

She took a deep breath before walking over to him, knowing that the conversation that was about to happen would be hard for both of them.

She greeted him with a hesitant smile as she sat down on the chair across from him, not sure how to act around him.

"So, what are you doing here? You got enough of Chicago already?" she asked. trying to ease the tension.

He smiled and shook his head. "Nah. Just here for a conference, Mrs. Goodwin wanted me to attend to. Can't really say no when your boss asks you to make a little trip. I didn't expect to bump into you, though."

She muttered "Neither did I" under her breath, not sure if she wanted him to hear it. "You know that coffee shop used to be one of my favorites when I was still living here. Went there at least twice a week. Funny coincidence that you're going there now" he took a sip of his beer.

"Yeah. My machine wasn't working and I haven't been in they city looking enough to know all the good spots. I found that on my first week here" sure told him.

It was weird, talking to him about such nonsensical subjects. Back in Chicago, they had always had good conversations.

They sat in awkward silence and she felt his gaze on her as she looked down at the table. She squirmed uncomfortably. _Why does it have to be like this?_

"I miss Chicago" she finally admitted without looking up. She couldn't look him in the eye.

On the opposite side of the table, Will thought about telling her about the ring. He knew it wouldn't be fair.

He'd always liked Erin and he didn't want to hurt her, knowing she was already beating herself down but she'd broken his brother's heart and Jay always came first. It didn't matter that it was him who walked out on her.

He took in the woman in front of him that seemed so small right now and decided against it.

He knew from Jay that Erin wasn't always strong. Heard stories about how bad a place she'd been in after her friend died. He didn't want to be the reason for her to feel even worse.

So instead he started with "He misses you." and her head snapped up, eyes wide. "He was crying when I came home that night. Just sitting on the couch with tears running down his face. I haven't seen him cry in... forever."

She gulped hard and rubbed both hands over her face, feeling her eyes water. "I didn't want to go. Really I ..." she searched for the ride words. "If there had been any other way I would've stayed but I was losing my job and my mom ... I'm sure he's told you about it. She probably isn't worth they trouble but..."

She left the sentence unfinished. He knew what she meant either way. "I miss him too. I haven't stopped thinking about him since the night he walked out on me" she looked at him and he could see the sincerity in her eyes.

"Why won't you call him then? I think you'd do us both a favor. Maybe he'd finally stop whining all day. I broke up with my girlfriend too but I'm not nearly as bad as he is."

The last statement made her listen up. "You broke up with Nina? When?" she asked.

He seemed to remember that she didn't know about it and shrugged. "A few weeks before you left. It didn't work out, I guess."

Her brows shot up and she couldn't suppress the smile. "So you're finally going to tell Natalie you haven feelings for her? You know Jay and I had..." she stopped, realizing what she was about to say. There was no "Jay and I". Not anymore.

"You had what?" the redhead questioned. "We ... uh... we had a bet going about when you two would finally get your act together. Guess I owe him twenty bucks now" she shrugged, hoping to sound nonchalant.

Will looked dumbfounded and add an afterthought she added "It was all you brother's idea. I just agreed."

He shook his head. Taking in the information. "Well, " he started "I heard there were a few bets about you two too, so we're even, I guess."

For a few moments, it was like it had been months ago and she allowed herself to huff out a laugh.

God how she'd missed this, joking around. Only one person was missing and he was probably sitting on the couch in Will's apartment, watching the match with a beer in his hand.

"Jay moved back into your old apartment, you know. He said that he didn't want to bother me anymore and that if he couldn't have you he wanted at least a party of you" he told her.

She felt disappointed. Now that she was gone he had moved back in? Now he wanted to be near her? She let out a humorless laugh.

"What's so funny?" Will asked, looking at her with an unreadable expression.

"The fact that now that I'm gone he suddenly wants to be with me. He wasn't there when I really needed him months ago. Just ... tell the others I said hi, okay? I think it's time for me to go home. I've got an early morning tomorrow and can't be late again. It was nice to see you. Give me a call if you're going to be in the city again. Maybe you're lucky and I'm not undercover and we can meet."

She kissed him on the cheek and turned on her heels. Leaving him staring after her in complete and utter confusion.

 ** _A/N: Heyyyy, I'm back. This is a pretty short one and I'm so sorry for that. I don't really know how I'll write the following chapter yet. I hope you like this one and if you do (or even if you don't) leave me a review._**

 ** _Luv u_**


	5. Reunion

**_Got a Jay centric chapter for you again. Hope you'll like it._**

 **Him**

Two and a half months. She had been gone for two and a half months and he still hadn't heard from her. No calls, no texts, no emails.

It was frustrating, really. Because he shouldn't be missing her. He had no right to miss her. Not like that. Not anymore.

Will had told him she had looked okay when he'd bumped into her. And that she had freaked out after she found out he'd moved back into the apartment.

He couldn't blame her. Hell, he would have been mad too. He had moved out so he could work things out. To gain some space.

Now he was living in the place where everything reminded him of her. Without a way to distract himself.

Even work was slow. There were not many cases and the few they had, were so easy that they were solved in three to five days.

He wanted something to do. Needed to forget about everything that happened and focus on work.

The only problem was that paperwork wasn't distracting. It only made his eyes wander to the desk across from his, thinking about the many times he had watched _her_ doing paperwork.

Or the many times she had sat there, a spark in her eyes, teasing him about who knows what.

Now another woman had her spot. It wasn't that he didn't like Hailey Upton. She was a good cop, knew what she was doing. She just wasn't Erin.

He stood up, not able to sit still any longer. Five pairs of eyes were on him. "I'm going to get some coffee. Anyone want something?" He didn't look at anyone as they told him their orders and left without saying another word.

* * *

He breathed in the Chicago air. Closing his eyes for a second, trying to compose himself.

She was always on his mind and some tiny part of him hated it. Hated that he couldn't forget her. What he'd done to her.

And then he looked up and he swore his heart stopped beating.

She was standing there, on the other side of the road and for a moment he thought he was dreaming. She was in New York after all, right?

She was looking at him and despite the distance, he could see the conflict in her hazel eyes.

Neither of them made a move. Their eyes saying everything their words couldn't.

It was like his legs had a mind of their own because they were walking him across the street, in her direction, and suddenly he was standing in front of her. So close, but not touching.

She was looking up at him. Those beautiful brown eyes glassy with unshed tears.

He wanted to be mad at her. Wanted to hate her for just leaving like that, without saying a word.

But looking at her now, seeing the hurt she was trying to hide so well, he found himself unable to do so.

And then she spoke, and the familiar rasp of her voice sent goosebumps down his spine.

"Can we talk?"

* * *

After he had sent a message to Voight, telling him something important came up and that it could be a while until he was back at work, they were sitting in a diner they both liked.

The silence between them was awkwardly charged and he saw her shift uncomfortably.

"Why are you here?"

He couldn't hold the question back anymore.

It took her a few seconds to find the right answer.

"I couldn't take it anymore, I guess. I'm so sorry, Jay. I never wanted to do this. I really didn't. But I was losing my job and there was Bunny and this opportunity and I just-"

"Saved everyone else but not yourself?" he completed her sentence.

She looked down at the table and shrugged.

"Why didn't you call? You could at least have written an e-mail so I would've known you're still alive."

"I wanted to. There were so many times my thumb was over the dial button and I wanted to do it so badly, I really did. But I also know had I called you, you would've found a way to bring me back. You're the only person who could and I -. I couldn't risk it."

"You couldn't risk being happy?" There was accusation in his voice and she felt a pang in her chest.

She shook her head, hurt in her eyes. "No," she said, "I couldn't risk looking back."

* * *

 _ **Here we finally are again. It took me an eternity to write this chapter, but I finally finished it.**_

 _ **I really hope you like it.**_

 _ **Read and Review and tell me if there are mistakes.**_


	6. Talk

_**Just a little something before I get started. Huge thank you to all the guests who commented. I want you to know that it is very much appreciated and always makes me smile. I just wish you guys would've logged in so I could have answered you personally.  
**_

* * *

 **Her**

 _Don't look back._ She could hear Hank's voice in her head, reminding her of that night and she wished she could just forget it.

Sometimes she still felt the pain she had felt when walking out the door with her suitcase. Glancing back at the apartment before closing the door for once and for all.

She missed it. The feeling of having a home she would probably never find in New York.

And when she had landed in Chicago 10 hours and 37 minutes ago it had been like a few of her broken pieces finally fell back in place.

She hadn't intended to see Jay. She just wanted ... yeah, what exactly had she wanted? She didn't know.

But before she even knew, she had called a cab and was giving the driver the address of the precinct.

And then she was standing there, not able to decide whether she should go inside or not when the man who stole her heart four years ago burst through the door.

And she swore her heart stopped beating.

Now an hour later, she was looking at him. Observing him. Trying to read him like she was once able to.

They were glaring at each other. Her last words still ringing in both their heads.

 _I couldn't risk looking back._

"What do you mean?" he asked. His voice was calm but she knew he was anything but.

"What do I mean? I mean that I needed a fresh start. That I needed to get away. I needed-" she stopped. Opening and closing her mouth without saying anything more.

"You needed what?" He leaned forward, his eyes almost challenging her to ebbs her sentence.

Her next words were so quiet he almost didn't hear them. "I needed you."

She swallowed. There. She had said it.

She blinked a few times when she felt the familiar burning sensation of tears stinging in the back of her throat.

She wouldn't cry. Not now. Not in front of Jay.

She knew he was still staring at her. Probably trying to figure out if she was telling the truth.

Then, "I was right here."

She looked up, directly into his eyes, and shook her head.

"We both know you weren't, Jay. You were so absorbed in your problems that you weren't. I don't blame you. But you weren't here. At least not for me. you haven't been for a long time."

She was smiling at him but there was a sadness in her eyes that felt like a stab into his heart.

They both knew she was right.

The silence that surrounded them after that was deafening. It was ringing in her ears while she was trying to figure out what to do next.

"I, uh," he started "I should probably get back or Hank is going to rip my head off."

She nodded and hesitated for a moment before asking, "Can I, uhm, come with you?"

He smiled a little at her question. "Sure. We don't have any cases at the moment so I don't see why not."

* * *

The first few minutes of the car ride were silent, except for the radio playing and the music filling the space between them.

"Can I ask you something?" he broke the silence.

"You just did, but sure, ask away."

"Why didn't you tell me yourself? Why did you give Will that letter?"

She didn't say anything for a while, thinking about how to answer.

"I was so sure you'd hate me." she said "I, uh, I just didn't want you to look at me like that. I wouldn't have known what to tell you anyways. Writing down seemed so much easier."

Her voice was small and she didn't look at him while she spoke. Her eyes were glued to her hands in her lap.

"You know I could never hate you, Erin. I love you too much for that."

Her head shot up at his confession and she gasped. His eyes widened too. As if he hadn't realized he was saying the words until after they left his mouth.

"Jay" his name left her lips in a breathy whisper.

"I know" was the only thing he said before they fell back into silence for the rest of the ride.

 _ **Here we go. Again, you had to wait way too long for this chapter. School's a bitch and I haven't had time to write until now. But I'll get started on the next chapter right away so you hopefully won't have to wait as long.**_

 _ **As always, all mistakes are mine, just tell me if you find any so I can correct them.**_

 _ **Please leave a comment.**_


	7. Team

_**You guys are great you know that? I love that you're so understanding. Thank you so much for your support and kind comments. They always make my day, it's what keeps me writing after all. Hope you like this chapter.**_

 _ **Ps: Since I didn't have time to update earlier (school still treats me like shit) I want to wish everyone very happy and healthy new year.**_

* * *

 **Him**

He could sense her breathing a sigh of relief as soon as she stepped into the sidewalk in front of the district.

He saw her standing there for a minute, just staring at the door while he grabbed the coffees they had stopped for on the way here and wondered what was going on inside her head.

It must be weird for her. Standing here now, after such a long time.

He walked up behind her and felt her tense when he touched the small of her back. "C'mon" he whispered.

He saw Platt doing a double take when Erin came in sight behind him before she broke out into a smile and coming from behind the front desk to pool her into a hug.

Erin was surprised at first, not having expected the reaction from the woman who liked everyone to think she was as cold as ice.

But then she smiled. A genuinely happy smile that could light up the whole room. A smile he hadn't seen in so long it made his heart skip a beat.

"It's good to see you, Erin" he heard Trudy say. And then the answering "You too."

The older woman nodded once before making a motion in the direction of the stairs that led up to the Intelligence office. "I think there are a few other people up there who would like to see you."

It was her turn to nod before looking into his direction.

He could see the hesitation in her eyes. A silent question if she should really do this.

It made him wonder what she was so afraid of. Those people up there were her family. He was pretty sure that would never change.

He looked at her encouragingly. "Let's go."

Two minutes later they were standing at the top of the stairs and six pairs of eyes were on her.

Complete silence. One could've heard a needle falling to the floor.

She was visibly tense again. A nervous laugh left her lips.

"Would you please stop staring at me like I'm a ghost, guys? You're creeping me out!" he heard her say.

And that was everything they needed.

A few chuckles were heard through the room as they all, one by one stood up to hug her, Ruzek being the first one to sweep her into his arms and whisper something that made her giggle.

He stepped to his desk. Setting down the two trays of coffee before leaning against it and watching the scene in front of him with a small smile.

"So," the rough voice of his boss said next to him "she was the 'something important', huh?"

He sighed and looked up. To his surprise, Voight didn't look angry. The exact opposite, actually, there was a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Uh, yeah. She was right outside and wanted to talk. I, uh, couldn't say no."

The man next to him only nodded. He walked up to the group that was now surrounding the petite woman, finally hugging his surrogate daughter himself.

Jay saw the Tension leave her body, a small smile now gracing her lips. She was finally comfortable enough to let loose and it was a stab to his heart to realize he wasn't the one you make her feel this way anymore.

Swallowing the lump in his throat he went to the breakroom, sitting down on the couch there.

It was weird.

That he felt almost uncomfortable around her now.

After she left he wished nothing more than for her to come back.

And here he was, sitting on a sofa with his head in his hands while the girl he loved was standing right there, smiling and laughing with the guys like nothing had changed.

 _ **So, here I am. And it didn't take two months for this chapter. Only a little more than one month. Mark it in your calendars, guys.**_

 _ **Anywho. Remember to comment 'cause reading your kind words always makes me smile.**_

 _ **Luv u**_

 _ **Ps: I'm sorry the chapter isn't as long as I would want it to be, but I didn't wanna make you wait longer than I already have.**_


	8. Thoughts

**Her**

She couldn't see the look on his face as he sat there, but she saw his shoulders rise and fall with every deep breath he took.

That familiar urge to just go over there and take him in her arms rose up in her and it took everything not to follow it.

She wasn't in any place to comfort him. Not after everything. Not anymore.

And it hurt, even though it shouldn't. He hurt her first. He walked out on her. He should be the one hurting right now.

And maybe he was. She was pretty sure that her moving to New York left him with a scar too.

One tiny little part of her was actually satisfied by it.

Satisfied, that she had still had that effect. Still had the power to hurt him.

She felt guilty for that part of her.

It wasn't how she wanted to feel, how she should feel.

Because after everything they've been through together, he still held most of her heart in his hands.

Those parts that didn't die with Nadia and Justin and Camille. And those parts that didn't belong to Voight and the rest of her chosen Family.

Those parts were aching right now, as she smiled at something Antonio had said while the others laughed. She didn't even know what it was about.

She felt her friend's gaze on her and when she looked up and met his eyes, the dark orbs showed concern.

She had always gotten along with Antonio, had even taken him up on a few of those dinner invitations with his family back when he and his wife were still together.

She had lost count how many times they had sat at Molly's after they had split. They didn't really talk, just enjoyed the company of a friend.

After Jay had left, he, like everyone else, had seen that something was wrong and they'd done it again. This time him silently comforting her.

Because he knew exactly how it felt to have your partner walk out on you.

So here they were, again, and she knew he could sense the turmoil inside her.

She tried to give him a smile, assuring him that she was okay but failed miserably.

So instead she just shrugged and once again glanced at the figure in the breakroom.

He was now sitting up, no longer hunched over and rubbed his hands over his face. He looked tired, she noticed. Worn-out.

She also noticed he wasn't alone anymore. Upton was now sitting next to him.

She could feel the pressure in her chest building. She didn't want it there. It was wrong.

She didn't allow herself to be jealous, to let that green-eyed monster swallow her whole. She never had.

But as she saw them sitting there, shoulder to shoulder, talking quietly, she just couldn't help herself.

She knew it was wrong. He was allowed to move on, god knows she had tried. She really had _._

 _Of course you did._ That tiny voise, probably her inner devil said mockingly. _You tried , and look how that turned out. You failed. Again._

She swallowed hard. As much as she wanted to deny it, that voice inside her head was right.

She had failed him. She had given up on him when he had needed her most. When he had never, not once, given up on her.

She thought back to that time after Nadia's death. How he'd been there for her even though she hadn't deserved it.

She had been so glad to have him then, but didn't know how to show him. So she pushed him away.

But still, he had forgiven her. He forgave her for everything she did and he had loved her.

 _He loves you._ That tiny voice whispered in her head, making her throat constrict with tears she didn't know she still had.

And when she mumbled a quick apology and went for the restroom, her voice broke ever so slightly.

 **Hi guys,**

 **I'm not going to give you some lame excuse that no one will believe.**

 **But I do want to say sorry because you readers are amazing and you would have deserved this chapter way earlier if it hadn't been for a very bad case of writer's block.**

 **Do you think you can forgive me? *gives you the puppy dog eyes*** **Either way, I hope you'll like this chapter nonetheless and won't forget to comment. Even if it's only to curse me because it's so short.** **Until next time**


	9. Decision

**I just wanted to tell you how happy it makes me when I see notifications of new story followers/favorites after posting a new chapter. It almost makes me squeal in delight.** **And your kind comments always make my day.**

 **THANK YOU!**

 **Him**

He didn't know how long he had been sitting in the break room alone, but when he finally rubbed his hands over his face, sighed tiredly and opened his eyes, he wasn't anymore.

Upton was standing in front of him, leaning against the table and looking at him with a sad smile.

"So she's back, huh?"

She tried to sound nonchalant, but it didn't quite work out.

"She's back."

He confirmed softly, tasting the words, trying to figure out what to do with them.

"What do you think about that?"

She sat down next to him, leaning back and looking straight ahead.

What _did_ he think about it?

He was happy that he got to see her again, mad at her, for just turning up and making those wounds bleed that was just about to heal.

And he was confused. So fucking confused why she was here, why she was doing this now, of all times.

He didn't know how to answer the question, so she gave her a shrug and a non-committal "I don't know".

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shift and then she was looking at him.

" You know, Jay," she began almost hesitantly. "I didn't get to work with Lindsay for long, but I did get to know her a bit."

She paused, waiting for him to look at her. When he did, she continued.

"I think that she's fiercely protective of those she loves and of those she feels she owes it to.

" And I think that's exactly the reason she did what she did. Maybe it wasn't exactly the smartest move, considering what I gathered about her mother, but she thought it was her duty as a daughter."

She let her words sink in and gave him an encouraging smile.

"Think about it." She stood up, gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, before leaving him alone again.

For a long while, he just stared at nothing, turning the words over in his head and trying to decipher the meaning behind them.

He knew the observations were not wrong.

Erin was fiercely protective of the people close to her.

He also knew that, despite everything, she still felt like it was her job to look out for Bunny.

He didn't get it. He never had. But it hadn't been his place to say something.

Sure, he had tried to talk to her, to make her see that Bunny didn't deserve to be called a mother, but still, in the end, it had been her choice to make.

He shouldn't be judging her. He shouldn't be thinking about her at all.

Over the last few months, he couldn't help thinking that if he hadn't walked out on her if he had stayed with her and confided in her and trusted her, that she wouldn't have left.

Maybe they would still be together. Hell, maybe he really would have proposed. Because he wanted to. God had he wanted to.

He had wanted to go down on one knee long before he got the ring from Will.

The ring. It was still at home. Laying in the bedside drawer.

He didn't have it in him to return it. Sometimes, when he just couldn't sleep or one of his nightmares kept him awake, he just held it between his fingers and stared at it.

It was in those moments that he imagined a different life, happier. Always with her.

How couldn't he? She had been everything. She still was.

Looking at her now, smiling a faint smile that didn't really look genuine, a smile that had a sadness behind it that made his heart clench, he made a decision.

He stood, raking a hand through his hair one last time, before joining the group, standing beside her.

And before he could lose his nerves, he leaned down slightly and whispered "Come over tonight" in her ear.

Her hazel eyes were wide as she looked at him.

When she gave him a faint nod that he almost missed, he felt his heart squeeze with joy.

He really wanted a different life. He wanted happier.

 **Are you proud of me or what? A new chapter after only two weeks and I didn't even have to force myself to write it. I'm even quite proud of it.**

 **What do you guys think?**

 **PS: Don't forget to comment.**


	10. Anxiety (07-05 11:01:54)

**Just wanted to wish everyone from the US a happy belated 4th of July. Hope you had a great day**

 **Her**

The next few minutes after his words were like a blur.

It was like she was in a bubble. Everything around her was muffled.

In her haze, she felt a hand tugging at her arm. Looking up, she realized it was Hank, motioning towards his office.

She felt herself nod and set into motion, following after her former sergeant.

He closed the blinds after she shut the door behind herself.

Whether it was to stop the others from watching or just to give her the feeling of security and privacy she knew he knew she didn't have with them open, she didn't know.

She was grateful either way.

Hank looked at her.

She had seen that expression so many times on his face, had lost count how many times it had been directed at her.

The first time she was a teenager. 14 years old, barely anything but skin and bones, trying to get money.

Now here she was. Years later. An adult. And still, it felt like she was in that situation again.

Helpless, not knowing what to do.

She'd go with Jay tonight.

Home.

How did she feel about that?

She didn't know.

"It's really good to see you, Erin," he said.

Something in his voice made her look up.

Maybe the tension. Or the relief.

"Spencer said the next mission would be more complex than the last ones. Her words, not mine.

She gave me a few days off. I have to be back on Monday but I thought it would be-. I don't know. I didn't think it would be this hard."

She bit her lip, digging her teeth so hard into it, she almost drew blood.

"Did you think it would be easy?"

She blinked, shaking her head.

"Easier, maybe, but not easy," Then she added, silently, hoping he wouldn't hear. "Nothing seems to be easy when it comes to him."

If he _had_ heard her, he didn't give any indication.

"I've told you a few times already, but you didn't see him these last few months, Erin. He was a wreck without you. I wasn't always supportive of you two, I know that and I regret it."

Her eyes widened the fraction of an inch. She had been surprised when he'd finally given his okay all those years ago. But him admitting that he regretted not doing it earlier? That was new.

"He made you happy. All those years I've known you, I've never seen you like that. It was the first time you completely trusted someone other than me or Camille."

She sighed a little, sinking a little deeper into the uncomfortable chair in front of the desk.

She knew he was right. She had trusted the team, sure, but that was in a professional manner. They knew some of her history, that she had a difficult childhood and about Bunny.

Jay was the only one who knew all of it though. He had found a way into her heart and she had let him because she wanted him there.

"He messed up, kid, I know that, but you have to at least talk to him. What you've been doing these last few months only hurt both of you."

He leaned forward over the desk, taking her hand in his, squeezing it gently.

She blinked at him, swallowed hard, then nodded.

"I'm going with him tonight. You're right, I _do_ have to talk to him. I just don't know what to say to him after everything I did.

He may have been the one who walked out on me but he was still there you know. More distant, maybe, but he was there.

Me on the other hand," she smiled sadly and shook her head a little. "I left without so much as a call. I wrote him a stupid letter, Hank. A letter. After everything-," she tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

There was the familiar burn of tears, but she shook her head and took a deep breath that did nothing to calm her nerves.

"I don't know what'll come out of this talk tonight but can I come over after? Just in case-," she trailed off when he nodded.

"I've told you before: that's your home too. For as long as you want it to be," he squeezed her hand again, before taking a look at his watch.

He stood and she followed suit, leaving the office first. She watched as he leaned against the door frame, watching the others in the bullpen and the motion was so familiar something tugged at her heart painfully.

"I think you've done enough paperwork for the day," she heard him say and six pairs of surprised eyes locked on him, hers included.

He was doing this for her, she knew, but still, her mind was going into overdrive as she gave him a greatful smile.

This talk wasn't going to be easy.

 **Hey,**

 **and here I am with chapter 10. My, my how time flies by. My summer started this week so I'm going to have more time to write these next 5 and a half weeks. I hope I can give you more to read then.**

 **Hope you like this chapter and don't forget to review.**


	11. Believing

**Him**

The tension that started to form the moment Voight dismissed them for the day followed them all the way to the apartment.

Erin was sitting next to him while he drove and he had the feeling she was purposely trying to look anywhere but at him.

Only when he parked the car in front of the building they once both called their home, did she spare a glance in his direction.

The knot that had formed in his stomach when they got into the car only seemed to tighten and he had to clear his throat before he was able to even speak.

"You okay?" he asked, barely recognizing his own voice.

He saw her shrug and breathe out a heavy sigh, turning her head to really look at him.

"I just didn't think I'd ever be here again, I guess. When I packed my bags three months ago I did it with the intention of saying goodbye for good." She smiled faintly.

"How do you feel about being here?"

She stared out the window for a few seconds, as of contemplating her answer.

"I have no idea. And that's what scares me," she said finally.

He hummed in acknowledgment and squeezed her shoulder, as she motioned him to leave the car, her doing the same.

They made their way up the stairs in silence, the tension still sizzling in the air.

It was only when they were in the apartment, the door falling closed behind them, that he heard her release a breath.

She toed off her shoes in the hallway, the motion so eerily familiar something hurt in his chest.

A few months ago this had been their normal.

Coming home, more often than not with some sort of take-out, leaving their shoes by the door. One of them getting plates while the other grabbed two beers from the fridge.

In the end, they sat on the couch, eating their food and watching some TV show.

She seemed to have a similar flashback, because she stilled, looking up at him, staring wide-eyed.

He saw and heard her swallow, doing the same while staring right back.

There was something in her eyes he couldn't quite describe. Irresoluteness. Fear. Or something else entirely?

He didn't know how long they stared and he didn't want to know.

He wanted the time to stop, wanted to freeze the moment and stay like that forever. With her.

She broke the connection first, looking away and biting her lip as he saw her hands tremble slightly.

"I, uh... we should talk," she said finally, her voice rougher than usual. She cleared her throat, still not looking at him.

"Alright," he breathed. "I'll get us something to drink. Why don't you sit down."

The word _s,_ 'make yourself at home," were stuck in his throat.

It would have been the wrong thing to say considering this _had been_ her home.

When he came into the living room, two beers in hand, he saw her standing by the couch, running her fingertips over the brown fabric.

"You kept it," she whispered so softly he almost didn't hear it.

He smiled sadly.

"Of course I did," he answered just as quietly.

She walked around it and let herself fall into the cushions, much like she had the very first time.

It wasn't until he had sat down beside her and handed her one of the bottles that she spoke again.

"I couldn't even look at this thing after you left, you know. It just... it hurt too much. I think it took me a good three weeks until I could sit here again without..." she shook her head as though she wanted to shake off some thought. "I'm not saying this to hurt you or anything, I'm really not. I just... I guess I'm trying to explain myself."

He watched as she drank a sip of the beer she was clutching. It seemed like she wanted to desperately hold onto something.

"If I could go back and do everything differently, I would. I shouldn't have left just because life got a little difficult. But I did and I _can't_ change it. And I'm so sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry for doing the one thing I swore to myself I'd never do to you."

They stared at each other for a while, the only sound in the room the faint noise of honking from outside and their breathing.

"I tried to be mad at you, you know," he continued after a minute or two.

"I tried to be mad at you for leaving and telling me through that damn letter. But then I noticed I was being a hypocrite. I mean, that day, if you hadn't come home when you did, I would have only written a note too. So I couldn't really blame you for leaving the way you did. I couldn't blame you at all."

"When I ran into Will at that coffee shop, I had no idea how he would react. He's your brother, he was allowed to be angry at me for hurting you. But then he smiled at me and treated me like nothing had changed and some part of me _wanted_ him to yell at me," she took a breath, looking straight at the wall in front of them.

"Because had he yelled at me, I would have at least deserved it. I wouldn't have felt as homesick as I had and I wouldn't have felt so fucking guilty for leaving the way I did."

Her voice was trembling and she sounded desperate. Erin was never desperate. It tugged at his heart and made him swallow the lump in his throat.

He wanted to do _something_ , felt so damn helpless because he didn't know if he was allowed to touch her. And he wanted to, god, did he want to.

 _Fuck it_ , he thought, pulling her into him and pressing his lips to her forehead before hugging her to his chest.

For a moment she was frozen, completely still. It was only when he whispered, "We're gonna be okay," softly into her ear that she relaxed into him.

Her arms snaking around his waist, hands fisting his shirt tightly and head pressed into his neck.

He breathed in her familiar scent, relishing it and holding her just a bit tighter.

It was that moment, that for the first time in months, he believed his own words.

 _They were going to be okay._

 **So, this chapter was intense. And it was really hard to write but I'm immensely proud of what came out of it.**

 **I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

 **I love you guys and don't forget to leave a comment**


	12. Morning

**To the guest that commented on August 1st(at least in German time): I think your comment was one of the cutest and nicest yet(I love all reviews, don't forget that!). I really hope this chapter satisfies your eagerness and maybe even takes over as the new favorite.** **Happy reading**

 **Her**

She had no idea when she had fallen asleep the night before but it was a few minutes before seven when her body slowly worked itself into consciousness.

For a while, she just lay there with half-lidded eyes as she tried to animate her mind to get to work too.

The first thing she realized when she was finally able to think clearly again was that, for the first time in months, she felt well rested.

The second was the familiar feeling of an arm that was thrown around her waist.

She gave herself a few seconds to let everything sink in and try and recall what happened the night before.

The talk, lying in each other's arms.

She distinctly remembered sending a text to Hank to let him know everything was alright but didn't know if he had answered.

She must have fallen asleep sometime after that.

All that happened on the couch, though, which means, Jay, must have carried her to bed.

He had done that a few times in the short while they lived together, or even before, mostly after long cases when she had been so exhausted she had fallen asleep on his shoulder while watching TV.

Something in her stirred at the memory, something warm and fuzzy that made her heart beat a little faster and her body tingle.

And maybe she let herself believe his words from the night before.

Maybe they really would be okay.

She was pulled from her memories when he nuzzled her neck and tightened his arm around her waist.

She couldn't help the small, content sigh and a smile at the familiarity of the Moment.

She contemplated for a second before ultimately turning in his hold, facing him.

"Morning," she greeted softly while taking him in.

His hair was a ruffled mess and his eyes were clouded as he gazed at her.

"G'morning," he answered, voice hoarse and sleepy and sending a beautifully warm sensation down her spine.

He gently stroked back a strand of hair that had fallen into her face and her eyelids fluttered slightly as his fingertips ghosted over her face.

His Hand stayed there, his thumb caressing her cheek softly.

She leaned into his touch and covered his Hand with one of her own.

"Sorry I fell asleep on you. I must have been more tired than I thought I was," she mumbles quietly, barely audible.

"I didn't mind, it was a long day. And if it means I get to wake up like this, with you in my arms? You can fall asleep on me anytime, Baby."

She stiffened at the endearment, she took a sharp breath as she stared at him, wide-eyed.

"Jay-"

"Shit, Erin, I-"

There was a brief moment of silence as they stared at each other and she was sure he could hear her heart beating hard.

"Erin, I didn't mean to... I shouldn't have said that. It's just so good to have you here again and-"

She joined their lips in a featherlight kiss, effectively shutting him up, before pressing her forehead against his.

"I know, it's okay. I missed you, too, you know. So much. It's been so long since you last said that to me, I kind of forgot what it feels like to hear it."

"What does it feel like?" he asked, voice no more than a breathless whisper.

"I don't know, you tell me. What do you feel right now?"

"I feel like I was suffocating these last few months and now that you're here, I can finally breathe again."

She smiled, knowing exactly what he meant.

She intertwined her hand with the hand lying against her cheek, kissing it softly before bringing it between them.

"You know I'm not staying, right? I'm here because I was told to take a few days off and Hank has been telling me to reach out to you and I just couldn't stay away. My flight goes at 7 pm tomorrow."

He breathes in deeply, closing his eyes for a short moment.

"Look, let's just enjoy the little time we've got. I have to get to work but why don't you come with me? I doubt Voight minds or anyone, for that matter. And maybe we can go out tonight. Nothing fancy, just dinner and maybe Molly's after. What do you say?"

She turned his words over in her head, trying to figure out what to make of them. But she nodded and the smile she got in return, was entirely worth it.

 _Yeah,_ she thought, smiling to herself as they got dressed. _Maybe we can make it work this time._

 **Soooo,**

 **they kissed. It was short I know but they kissed.**

 **This chapter is so fluffy and it was kinda weird considering the other chapters pretty much only consist of angst.**

 **I hope you like this, 'cause it was so much fun to write and, you know, your opinions are, like, the most important thing.**

 **That being said, please don't forget to leave a review.**


	13. Case

**Him**

The closer the end of the day came, the more jittery he got.

He had noticed Erin glancing at him from Voight's office from time to time and her eyes showed the same nervous excitement he felt.

There was that fluttery feeling he just couldn't shake and he wasn't sure he wanted to.

He knew where it came from. Of course, he did and he was excited about it because he'd finally gotten the chance to make things right.

And _God_ did he want that.

They already knew they can be great together. Knew the other better than themselves.

After he moved in with Will and after she left he had tried to convince himself it wasn't meant to be.

That, maybe, she was the right person at the wrong time.

And he had almost been able to believe it. Had been right there on the edge of believing that maybe it was better this way.

That was when she showed up again and turned his thoughts upside down again.

And he was happy about it. So fucking happy if the smile he couldn't seem to conceal was any indication.

He had seen the looks the others had shot in his direction.

The confused frowns and raised eyebrows.

He had just started right back until they shook their heads and turned their focus back to whatever paperwork they were doing.

They were an hour away from going home when he heard the phone on Voight's desk ring.

He knew without hearing the conversation what the call was about and he was barely able to swallow a groan.

 _Of course,_ it was nowthat a case came in.

He should have expected it. Because something always came between them.

He looked up, saw the way her shoulders slumped in resignation, the way she brought a hand up to brush over her face in frustration.

He hated it, that they never seemed to get a decent chance at just _being._

Because she would be gone in a few days and he had no idea when he would see her again after that.

The tension in the room rose the moment Voight stepped out of his office.

"A kid found a body behind a bush at the park. They want us on that."

He had barely finished talking when the others grabbed their stuff, asking for the address while making their way downstairs.

He stayed behind, though, coming to stand in front of her.

"This sucks," she said, low as if afraid someone who wasn't there could hear them.

"Yeah, it does. This whole time nothing happened, no cases and of all dates it had to be today that ended, didn't it."

She smiled sadly. "We should've known, shouldn't we?"

"Maybe I was just hoping for the better," he answered, cupping her cheek.

He finished the key out if his back pocket and gently lays it into her hand. "You should've felt this when you left. I have to go, but I'll come over as soon as I can get away."

She nodded leaning into his hand for a moment before stepping back, watching as he followed the easy of the team.

The first few moments of the drive were quiet.

"So you two finally talked, huh?," Upton asked from beside him, not able to tame her curiosity.

"Yeah," he answered, glancing in get direction for a second before turning his focus back to the street.

"And?," his partner pressed on.

"And nothing. We spend the next few days together, see how it goes, and then she goes back to New York. It's not like she can just stay here."

There was silence for a minute.

"That sucks!," she exclaimed.

He couldn't help the chuckle that bubbled up.

"It does. But it's not like I can do anything. She has a job there and she seems to like it. I'm not gonna hold her back."

Hailey hummed in agreement just as he pulled the car into a halt.

The scene was busy. There were people everywhere, doing their jobs.

As macabre as it sounded, he had missed this for the least few weeks.

He slammed the door behind him as he left the car, already walking over to where he could see Voight and the others already standing over the body of what he assumed to be a middle-aged man.

It was hard to tell considering half of the guy's face was unrecognizable. Shot in the face. That's a message he wished he didn't understand.

He grimaced, crouching down to get a closer look and noticed the silver band on his ring finger.

Well fuck. He was married. Which probably meant he had kids.

Sometimes he really hated his job.

 **So, again, it took me way too long to write this chapter.**

 **School started again around the time I posted the last one and I've been really busy.**

 **Also, I found out a friend of mine died a little over a week ago and it really shook me because I had no idea she was sick.**

 **We met up a few times over the summer and everything seemed to be okay. I was in a really bad place for a few days after that.**

 **I'm really sorry guys and for this chapter, although it's quite short, makes up for it.**

 **Thank you**


	14. Kissing

**Her**

By the time she heard the door opening, it was well past ten and she was half asleep on the couch.

She didn't bother sitting up and feigned sleep as she heard the familiar sound of his footsteps coming in her direction.

There was something inside her, something exciting as she felt him kneel down beside her.

She could feel his hand on her face, stroking back a strand of hair that must have slipped out of her ponytail.

This moment was so achingly familiar.

They had had a few nights like this one, back when... back when everything had been good and easy.

She should have known that would change.

She should have already been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Because nothing that good ever stays that way.

Not with her anyway.

She moved a little, opened her eyes sleepily, which she didn't even have to play anymore because by now, she really was tired.

She smiled slightly, leaning into the hand still resting on her cheek.

"How was it," she asked, voice scratchy while sitting up and pulling him down next to her.

"I don't know," he sighed, leaning back against the cushions. "We had to talk to his wife. It wasn't pretty. And they have kids, so..."

She, too, let out a deep sigh and turned to look at him.

"Shit".

"Yeah," There was a pause.

"I'm sorry it took so long. You're only here for another few hours and now we got this case and-"

"Hey, Jay, look at me," she interrupted. "I get it. I once worked in Intelligence, remember? I know how busy it can get."

For another moment they just looked at each other.

The look in his eyes, the one she knew all too well, made the breath catch in her throat.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you, Er," he said quietly, almost whispering.

She swallowed hard.

Suddenly they were too close.

She could feel his warmth and his breath fanning across her face.

She saw every little detail in his eyes and she was pretty sure her heart stopped moving for a second.

And a moment later not just her heart, but the whole world stopped in its tracks.

His lips were on hers.

So warm and soft.

It wasn't like the chaste kiss she had used to shut him up just that morning.

This was so much better and when she slowly broke away, both of them breathing hard, she couldn't help her lips curving into a smile.

"I missed you too," she mumbled against his lips while leaning in for another kiss. "So, _so_ much".

The next kiss felt so much more significant than the last two.

It spoke so much louder than their words ever could.

It said 'I'm sorry' and 'I missed you' and 'Don't ever let me go' and it was such a bittersweet feeling.

She didn't want this moment to end.

She wished she didn't have to leave.

Again, she broke their kiss and looked at her phone.

10:52 p.m.

"My plane leaves in eight hours," she whispered, voice soft and full of regret.

He pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her and she closed her eyes as that familiar feeling of safety washed over her.

"I'm going undercover next week and I won't be able to contact you in any way."

Her words were muffled by the fabric of his shirt.

"I know," he breathed out and squeezed her a little tighter.

"I know I said we'd go out for dinner but what do you think of ordering some Chinese and just ... watching a movie or something?"

She nodded against him and slowly freed herself from his arms.

"That sounds perfect right now.

 **So maybe you've already seen it, but I'm putting this story on hiatus for a while. I want to try and finish some chapters before I update again and I want to concentrate on school more.**

 **This year is really important and I really can't fuck it up.**

 **That's also the reason, besides writer's block, why I haven't uploaded.**

 **I'm really, really sorry guys.**


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